The Two Wolves

I've been feeling another blog coming on for a while now. The adversity says it all. Where there is adversity, there is something big surfacing, like say....Truth. One time I went to this spiritual healer in Mt. Pleasant. She was truly gifted and there are some things that she said that really stuck with me. In fact going to her, played an important role in setting the truth free in Mandon's life. Going to her was a step in our journey, just like going to Dr. Fish was. She has a raw spiritual gift to see things that other people can't see. She told me something like this..."You know how you have that intuition with your baby like something is wrong and you need to go check on them, even though you don't hear them crying and then you go in and find them burning up with fever? Well thats what my gift is like but for the baby down the street and for people who I am around." We did some protor work for some people that I really care about. She then told me that I had a female ancestor with me. I knew it was true. I'd felt this same ancestor with me very strongly when I was pregnant with Emily and going through a very very difficult time with Mandon. Even though that time was so incredibly hard and I should have felt so lonely, I felt more peace during that time then ever and I felt so safe knowing I was in my Fathers care. Then this spiritual healer began to tear up and her voice became soft and reverant. She told me that I had another very important spirit with me. A very strong and glorious spirit with armor and a golden head piece. She told me this spirit was very important and from a very high place. I didn't realize that I'd had this spirit with me, but I do know that several times my life has been spared and that there must be some reason that I was still alive. One example of that is my car accident. I broke my neck and my back in two places, my femur snapped and folded in half, my spleen ruptured and I didn't get to a hospital for a whole hour. And that's just one example. As a teenager, I was completely lost and reckless. Going through all that I somehow made it through alive and okay. Life has been hard, but I've always felt this protection. Her vision of this protecting warrior spirit was awe inspiring and humbling and I remember asking myself, why for me? I'm nobody special, just an insecure dysfunctional girl trying to make it through. When we were at the close of our hour session, she said, "You know, you have a gift like I do. You will learn how to use it."

Once I heard a tale about an Indian (Native American) boy whose Grandfather was a medicine man. One day the Grandfather told the boy a story. He told the boy that he had two ferociuous wolves that lived inside of him that were always battling. One of the wolves was a good wolf and the other was a bad wolf. Sometimes the good wolf would have the upper hand and would be winning and at other times it was the bad wolf having the good wolf pinned. The boys eyes were wide with wonder as he asked, "Grandfather, which wolf will win?" The Grandfather answered, "Whichever one I feed the most". The truthfulness of this story has stuck with me and I can see it in myself and in others; the battle of light and darkness that we each face within ourselves, but it's even more than that.

On a few rare and seemingly random occasions, I've had dreams where my spirit talks with someone elses spirit. I'd bet my life that these are real. These dreams all have similarities to them. Its quiet and still. We know there are other people around, but it's as if we are in another realm and we don't see or hear others and they don't see or hear us, but yet we are vaguely aware that they are there. Last night I had one such dream. I was upset at Mandon for being emotionally shut off and unavailable. I felt hurt and crazy and decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear my mind. I knew in the back of my mind that there was a presence with me. I was in a town that I didn't necesarily recognize. I crossed a bridge that went over some sort of highway or a freeway. I think there were cars but I couldn't see or hear them. Everything seemed white or gray but there wasn't exactly a sun. It was like hazy or something. Like a whitewashed rainy day, but with no rain. Then I crossed a bridge that went over water. I still had someone with me, but I became aware that someone else might be following me and I knew who it was. It was Mandon's main perpetrator. I wasn't affraid or anthing and I didn't feet threatened, but I felt unprepared to face him. I wound through some streets and an alley way, hoping he would give up and change his coarse. But yet it was like I knew I had a destination and I was going there whether he followed me or not. No one else was around. It was like a ghost town, that you could still feel the life of the town around you but yet not see or hear it. I came to a brick building, like maybe a boarding house of some sort. And I can't say what the era was either. It could have fit about any civilized era. I went up an outside set of metal stairs and through a wooden door and entered a hallway. It was just a plain building, nothing fancy. I knew the man came in behind me and in the back of my mind, I was also still aware of the other presence that was with me. I was still not affraid of the man. There was nothing to be affraid of. It was just me and him and the truth. There was no ego, there was no fear, there were no lies that anyone was trying to hide behind. Just our pure spirits. I felt no anger towards this man. I knew him. I loved him. He had something he wanted to tell me. He told me that he knew that what he had done was wrong and that it was a sickness in him that led him to do those things. A sickness and a broken soul that he had gained from his own childhood. He told me that he hated that he had done those things. He had always hated it. He never wanted to be that way. I knew there was no guile in what he was saying. There was no reason to lie, our spirits don't really lie anyway. He was speaking the truth. In a spirit kind of way, he spoke about a certain life changing event that had occurred in a hospital where the Heavens opened up and he felt the love of Heaven pouring upon him and he knew that despite the terrible things that he had done that there was still a place for him in Heaven. Kind of like a second chance or something. I knew this was true too. I could feel it. After presenting this to me and knowing that I understood what he was saying, he asked why with this knowledge,were me and Mandon still taking a stance. I said because it hasn't been fixed. He said, but I apologized. In the best way that I could, I told Mandon I was sorry. I knew he was genuine. I said maybe you did but an apology doesn't stop the the pain. In some sort of dreamlike way, I held up the pain before him that his actions had caused Mandon. Oh the pain in his eyes when he saw it. He hadn't realized or seen it before in its fullness. And I don't even know how much he was able to take in. Then just to throw out an alias name, I said and what about Micheal's pain? I held that up before him and the pain in his eyes was more than I can explain. I felt such a deep compassion for this man, but I didn't stop. I said and here is so and so's pain. I did this with a total of 5 people whome he had hurt. Each time it was more than he could bare. No matter how open his heart was, he could not bare the burden of that pain he had caused. I stopped at 5 because I could see that he absolutely could not bare it. He was fading in a sense, like his spirit was dying or something. I then saw a ledge and it fell off into I don't know what, some unknown vast hopelessness or something. This man started to move closer to it and I knew what he was going to do, but there was one more thing that I wanted to say. So I said it. I said the damage has been done. Having stopped it at that certain point in your life and then vaguely trying to apologize for it is not what is going to fix this generational curse. But I don't know if he was even hearing what I was saying at this point. He seemed detatched and focused merely on making it to that ledge. Then he stepped over the ledge and I hollered out that getting it out into the light is what is going to fix it. I doubted that he heard me, but I hoped he did, even though I knew there was little he could do about it. I stood there pondering what happened. Then all day I have been trying to make sense of what happened. I know it happened. I know he spoke the truth. I know it was too much for him to bare. I know that the deficit between him doing what he could to try to make it right and the huge amount of damage that had already been done is EXACTLY what the atonement is for. When Jesus Christ knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane, he took upon him that very deficit; the pain and sorrow of sin and spiritual illness. He is the one who can bare that pain. He is the one strong enough to carry it. And because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can be white as snow, if we will just have an open and willing heart to accept it. This applies to all of us no matter what sins we've committed. The purpose is for small sins, but even more so for the big sins. This man in my dream, I know that what he felt that day when the Heaven's opened up to him was true. Only he and the Lord know where his heart really was and where it is now and I know they will be able to work it out as long as there is a soft and willing heart.

I told the story about the wolves for a purpose. Before I knew about Mandon's hidden past of abuse, I knew his perpetrator, well perpetrators. I loved them all so much. Even when his past started to come out, I still loved them. However I knew Mandon was telling the truth. So it was crazy to me. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was like double vision. I saw them as the people I knew and loved with all their humanity and goodness and then I saw these terrible sick people that had done terrible sick things. I couldn't get the two to come together and work it out in my mind how they can be the same people. I know it has been a similar experience for Mandon. Its part of the craziness of the whole deal. But this story about the wolves, we really do all have a good and a bad wolf in us. Just because we have bad in us doesn't mean we don't have good in us too. I feel like I'm finally getting to the point where my double vision is clearing and I can see these people in one, the good and the bad.

I know there are alot of really good people held captive by sexual illness, hence spiritual illness. I have my own negative coping mechanisms that I gained in my childhood, that are hard to avoid when I am down. If I had grown up in a sexually abusive environment like some people do, whose to say that I wouldn't be the same way. I know that just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean they grow up to be a perpetrator themselves, but I do believe that most perpetrators are perpetrators because they were broken when they were vulnerable children who couldn't defend themselves. I believed this man's spirit in my dream when he told me he hated those things about himself. He didn't want to be the person who did those things. In this life maybe his bad wolf had his good wolf pinned most of the time. But it's not over. That good wolf is not done fighting. The reinforcements are here. We already know whose ultimately going to win.

A Lionsheart

The more of it that comes out the more emotionally unstable he seems. I can see why people keep it a secret and don't deal with it. It would be so much easier to just keep living the lie he was conditioned to live, but to do that he wouldn't be able to be emotionally available to his family and children. It is a lot of pain and confusion to deal with. He keeps telling me that the secrets are in layers and the layers are booby trapped. The more layers that he bravely peels away, the more there is to deal with. He is now in the ICU after another attempt to self destruct, this one closer than any other.
He had someone very close to him that self destructed for the same reason. Before she died, they talked with one another and talked of the extensive abuse they had endured from the same people. They knew that they could never tell anyone or expose the secret. He told me just the other day, that she self terminated because she was trying to get it out and deal with it.
 Dr. Fish is a very spiritually gifted psychologist who first made us aware of the magnitude of this problem. He told us many things that has gradually made more and more sense through the years. He talked about tramatic events, and a generational curse, ritualistic abuse, and the booby trapped mind. He also talked about son forgiving father and that son forgiving his father and on and on and on and on to heal the curse. To forgive he first has to break through all the layers. Everytime more memories surface he falters and stumbles and its just another blow to his tender heart of the lies and deceit of his childhood from people he was supposed to be able to trust. But then he just keeps getting back up and keeps fighting and cries out, "Bring it on! I will fight because that is what You want me to do. This is what I came here to do. This is what I have been called to do and so I will do it. I will break this generational curse."
Dr. Fish explains very well what is going on with Mandon. In his book Healing the Inner Self From Darkness Into Light he writes: "The rituals are designed to be so painful, physicaly, emotionaly, and spiritually, that it fragments the spirit. This results in multiple personalities. With this kind of abuse the pain is so great that there are often many personalities. This aspect of Satanism is what makes it so secret. It is so secret that many, if not most, of those who have been abused, do not even know that they have been involved. The abuse is purposely made to be so painful that the spirit fragments many times."
 "The core personality departs during the abuse and therefore has no knowledge of what has happeded. The part of your spirit that is left behind and which endures the abuse is the part that fragments into multiple negative personalities. These negative personalities have a memory, but none of them is the 'real self'. The physical mind has a memory of everything that has happened, but that memory can be suppressed to the point that there is no knowledge of what happened. This memory may stay supporessed all of one's life, or it may come to the surface when something triggers it. Sometimes a little child becomes a victim of the...rituals and the memories of the events are so completely buried that the victim does not remember it until later in life, then the victim starts fo have little flash backs. The victim becomes very disturbed when this happens, and it is sometimes very difficult for the victim to believe that the memories are real."
Dr. Fish also talks about multi-layered programming. "Finding all layers of programming and releasing it can therefore become a very tedious process. In addition to the mulitlayered programming there are multi-layered implants."
One of these multi-layered implants is a fail-safe mechanism. "Most victims are programed with a fail-safe mechanism which causes one to delf-destruct if one starts to remember, start to reveal the secret, or try to heal. These fail-safe mechanisms come in many forms. Some people are progrogramed to have various forms of terminal illness. Some are programed to commit suicide."
Fortunately Mandon has a powerful army fighting along with him. The burden of this fight is not taken away, but his shoulders to carry it are broader and his heart is larger. He is doing exactly what he was sent here to do. Although this appears to be a defeat it is actually a huge success. He is doing it, however painful.

Shouted from the roof tops

There are certain kinds of secrets that should NOT remain secrets. A lot of people have a misconception that it is bad to air dirty laundry and use this as rationalization for keeping secrets that keep people sick. The best way to get better from emotional sickness is to get it out into the light where the Savior can heal. When these secrets stay hidden in the darkness, it is just feeding grounds to continue growing in sickness. Secrets are the best fertilization for emotional and spiritual demise. I learned today that the state of Utah has the highest rate of downloaded pornography. I love the gospel and I know of it's truth with all of my being, but there are some serious misconceptions in the culture of religion. I also learned that incestual families are more apt to be highly religous. Sexual abuse, sexual distortions and sexual addiction tears apart people's souls. My Grandma told me that sex is like a warm fire in the hearth on a cold night, but if it is not contained and cared for it becomes a raging fire that destroys souls and families for generations. The heart ache in our families lives has been severe. Our family has carried a HUGE HUGE burden that is not ours to carry. It's not a secret any of us want to keep. It only hurts to keep it. It does nothing good for anyone to keep it. It only enables the perpetrators and prolongs everyones pain. It is totally enabling to keep it. It is the advisary that loves skeletons in the closet. Well ha ha ha. I am a healer. When it affects me and my husband and my children, I really really enjoy skeleton hunting. I love love love to clean out closets!! I have been that way my whole life. I have been that way in my parents home in fact, my family has helped to nurture that quality in me. I am not a stuffer and I am not one to ignore the elephant in the living room. And it is not out of spite, it is out of love. It is a spiritual gift that I was sent here with. Some people in my life hate this about me. But you can guess those that do. It's the ones with skeletons in their closets. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it is right to get into other peoples business nor to air others dirty laundry that doesn't concern me. I have had some bad things happen in my life, but its amazing how when those things came out into the light and people took accountability and got better how much those devastating situations became stepping stones. But now that we are dealing with a secret that has broken the hearts of those that I care the very most about, one that no one wants to claim but only pawn off, that's when I find shouting from the roof tops quiet appropriate. We went to a spiritual healer, Dr. Fish, in Cedar City, Utah about 6 years ago seeking some healing. At that time we had no idea the magnitude of what we were seeking healing from. Dr. Fish told Mandon that he was suffering from a generational curse and that he had a split soul. We knew there was something wrong, but we really had no idea what that meant. He did not consciously remember any such thing. But something was just not right. He knew it and I knew it. It's was and still is like Mandon has multiple personalities, extreme moodiness, self sabotaging behavior, crazy borderline personality traits, severe addiction issues, sexual confusion, wow what a crazy rollar coaster ride it has been. Up and down. I know he is this amazing amazing person with this out of this world strength, but yet at other times he is like this little boy just looking for someone to love him and then other times, like this huge brat throwing the ultimate temper tantrum. Just to clarify, he reads through my blogs before I post them. We both know that he is not really a brat. It's just a symptom that comes out. He has been to psych units 3 times,  in counseling on and off almost the whole 9 years of our relationship, he's been suicidal. He has this self hatred that tormets him most of the time. It's like a a tornado tears through our home at random times. He has been diagnosed with bipolar with severe PTSD. Things trigger him all the time. I know that there is a factor of genetics that plays into some aspects of mental illness, but this is something a whole lot more. Most mental illnesses are actually unlocked by abuse. 95% of the patients at the state hospital are victims of abuse. 95%! And a whole heck of a lot more people are out there with a broken abused child inside of them that are putting on a good show to the rest of the world because they think that is what they are supposed to be doing. They don't know how to do it any differently and it seems too painful to come out into the light to heal. Slowly slowly things have started to come out. A little memory here, a little memory there. A puzzle piece here, a puzzle piece there. I love my family, ALL of my family. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my Savior. I love truth. The Savior is love, he is light, he is truth. Skeletons in the closet are none of things. The only way to cut those binding flaxin and cords is with love and light and truth. Ushering in the Savior, doesn't just mean standing there singing praises and waiting for him to heal our pain when the Heaven's open up. Ushering in the Savior for the second coming is happening NOW, we are ushering him in now by standing for truth, by cleaning out the skeletons. I came to this world to prepare to the second coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am here now to Usher him in. This is what the prophets mean when they say get to work. I love it and the fire in my soul burns too strong at times to deny it! All will be made right, all that is lost will be restored. Broken spirits are healing. Family curses are being broken. This is what the Spirit of Elija means to me. The hearts of the children being turned to the hearts of the fathers. With that said, I love clean closets and I love the roof top view.

Guardian Angels

One night several years ago, we were living with my Dad in his basement in Manti. Mandon and I were laying in bed talking. Jaden was sleeping out on the couch in the other room and little baby Oakley was sleeping in his crib next to us. We were just talking about the day, when a dark feeling started to enter the room. I tried to brush it off, but it got stronger and stronger. I asked Mandon if he felt that feeling and he said he did. We decided to say a prayer to ask for it to go away so we did. It only got stronger. We felt the feeling to go get Jaden and keep him near us and we also got Oakley and put him in bed with us. The feeling got stronger. It was so dark and powerful. The strongest feeling I can describe is fear. We said several more prayers. It just got stronger. It was undeniably the presence of a very powerful dark spirit. We could hardly speak. The darkness of this spirit was like nothing we had ever before experienced even in our lowest darkest points of life. It seemed to almost consume us. Mandon was on his knees praying and mid sentence Mandon yelled out, "By the power of the Holy Melchizedek priesthood and in the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave!" Slowly the presence and the dark feelings started to fade away. I felt such relief. But as the darkness was fading, an absolutely glorious presence started to fill the room. We could not speak. We just sat and wept. There were multitudes of angels there and they just kept coming. The love we felt was like nothing I had ever ever experienced before. I knew that these were spirits that know and love us immensely, that are with us often in life and that are doing work and fighting along with us on the other side.
I've often reflected on this experience and wondered what it means and why it happened. Last night Mandon and I were talking about it and other experiences and how they all relate. We were able to gain a little more inspiration into what it means. Satan knows Mandon well. Mandon has had 3 priesthood blessings that have said that he knew and loved Lucifer in the pre-existence. It was hard for him to choose when Lucifer fell because he loved him so much. Mandon has something very important to do in this life and Satan knows the power and ability that Mandon has. He wants our Mandon destroyed. He knows that as long as this family is intact, as long as I am in the way, he cannot destroy Mandon and so he tries his hardest to tear apart our family. He wants this family destroyed. But there is so much divine help and intervention from people both on this side of the veil and the other. There really is a huge battle going on and we have seen and know too much to deny it. We know we have been called. We know these things are true and we know that our Lord and Savior is coming in his full glory. He is coming. He is coming.

The battle

Well, I will just start with today. I told Mandon that I wanted to start this blog and he thought it was a really good idea. He gave me permission to talk about these things that have to do with him. The biggest thing right now is probably that Mandon is in the Johnson's unit. That is the psych unit at the hospital here in Eugene. This is the 4th time that Mandon has been on the psych unit. He has a few big things that he deals with. For one he is bipolar. After years of extreme ups and downs and seeing two completely different personalities, I think I am just starting to understand what bipolar is. Like our good neighbor and friend Brigham said, bipolar is like having a missing leg. It is not something that grows back. It doesn't just fix itself. With bipolar, you can't will it away, you can't pray it away. You can't get a lot of counseling and just get emotionally stronger to overcome it for good. It is not weak people that have bipolar. On the contrary I believe that it is really strong and amazing people that struggle with bipolar. And with having a missing leg, you can't walk very well if you don't have a prosthetic leg. I think I am finally realizing that Mandon CANNOT NOT be on medication. Another big thing that Mandon deals with is addiction. When he is cycling, especially when he is not adequately medicated, the addiction becomes more challenging to deal with. He uses it to self medicate. In turn the addiction completely feeds the bipolar and the chemicals released from acting out on his addiction totally messes up his brain chemistry and that is when things get really crazy. On top of that, I am a little crazy and codependent at times and don't always handle things in the best way.
Underlying these issues is the deeper issue of sexual abuse that Mandon experienced as a child. It has taken years for the memories to surface. Lots of spiritual healing and therapy has helped get it out. It has just been in the last couple of years that Mandon has been able to actually say that it happened. It is so weird the way the mind disassociates and separates those traumatic events from the conscious thought. But it is in no way quiet. It manifests itself one way or another.
At the Johnson's unit, they are focusing on getting Mandon stabilized on medication. Mandon has been on Lithium before and it seemed to work very well, but due to his heart issues no Dr. has allowed him to be on it. This psychiatrist feels like there is no threat to his heart as long as his levels are good. So he has started taking lithium. Mandon is already sounding better and more like his real self. On top of the medication there is lot of therapy there. Mandon calls me every day and tells me how things are going and what is going on. They talk a lot about the sexual abuse and how it is so connected to all of these things he is dealing with now. Mandon has about all of the typical signs and symptoms of an adult who has suffered childhood sexual abuse. It is totally crazy how deep the damage is. It affects all aspects of life from love, sex, intimacy, spirituality, confidence, productivity, parenting and the list goes on and on.
When Mandon is on his game, he is a spiritual powerhouse. I have no doubt that Mandon is here to do some very amazing and important things. But when he crashes, he crashes hard and low. On a spiritual level I think Satin works very very very hard to keep Mandon from accomplishing those things that he was sent here to accomplish. It is a hard battle that Mandon fights every day. Sometimes he looses some of the battles, but I think I know who is going to ultimately win this war.