The Two Wolves

I've been feeling another blog coming on for a while now. The adversity says it all. Where there is adversity, there is something big surfacing, like say....Truth. One time I went to this spiritual healer in Mt. Pleasant. She was truly gifted and there are some things that she said that really stuck with me. In fact going to her, played an important role in setting the truth free in Mandon's life. Going to her was a step in our journey, just like going to Dr. Fish was. She has a raw spiritual gift to see things that other people can't see. She told me something like this..."You know how you have that intuition with your baby like something is wrong and you need to go check on them, even though you don't hear them crying and then you go in and find them burning up with fever? Well thats what my gift is like but for the baby down the street and for people who I am around." We did some protor work for some people that I really care about. She then told me that I had a female ancestor with me. I knew it was true. I'd felt this same ancestor with me very strongly when I was pregnant with Emily and going through a very very difficult time with Mandon. Even though that time was so incredibly hard and I should have felt so lonely, I felt more peace during that time then ever and I felt so safe knowing I was in my Fathers care. Then this spiritual healer began to tear up and her voice became soft and reverant. She told me that I had another very important spirit with me. A very strong and glorious spirit with armor and a golden head piece. She told me this spirit was very important and from a very high place. I didn't realize that I'd had this spirit with me, but I do know that several times my life has been spared and that there must be some reason that I was still alive. One example of that is my car accident. I broke my neck and my back in two places, my femur snapped and folded in half, my spleen ruptured and I didn't get to a hospital for a whole hour. And that's just one example. As a teenager, I was completely lost and reckless. Going through all that I somehow made it through alive and okay. Life has been hard, but I've always felt this protection. Her vision of this protecting warrior spirit was awe inspiring and humbling and I remember asking myself, why for me? I'm nobody special, just an insecure dysfunctional girl trying to make it through. When we were at the close of our hour session, she said, "You know, you have a gift like I do. You will learn how to use it."

Once I heard a tale about an Indian (Native American) boy whose Grandfather was a medicine man. One day the Grandfather told the boy a story. He told the boy that he had two ferociuous wolves that lived inside of him that were always battling. One of the wolves was a good wolf and the other was a bad wolf. Sometimes the good wolf would have the upper hand and would be winning and at other times it was the bad wolf having the good wolf pinned. The boys eyes were wide with wonder as he asked, "Grandfather, which wolf will win?" The Grandfather answered, "Whichever one I feed the most". The truthfulness of this story has stuck with me and I can see it in myself and in others; the battle of light and darkness that we each face within ourselves, but it's even more than that.

On a few rare and seemingly random occasions, I've had dreams where my spirit talks with someone elses spirit. I'd bet my life that these are real. These dreams all have similarities to them. Its quiet and still. We know there are other people around, but it's as if we are in another realm and we don't see or hear others and they don't see or hear us, but yet we are vaguely aware that they are there. Last night I had one such dream. I was upset at Mandon for being emotionally shut off and unavailable. I felt hurt and crazy and decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear my mind. I knew in the back of my mind that there was a presence with me. I was in a town that I didn't necesarily recognize. I crossed a bridge that went over some sort of highway or a freeway. I think there were cars but I couldn't see or hear them. Everything seemed white or gray but there wasn't exactly a sun. It was like hazy or something. Like a whitewashed rainy day, but with no rain. Then I crossed a bridge that went over water. I still had someone with me, but I became aware that someone else might be following me and I knew who it was. It was Mandon's main perpetrator. I wasn't affraid or anthing and I didn't feet threatened, but I felt unprepared to face him. I wound through some streets and an alley way, hoping he would give up and change his coarse. But yet it was like I knew I had a destination and I was going there whether he followed me or not. No one else was around. It was like a ghost town, that you could still feel the life of the town around you but yet not see or hear it. I came to a brick building, like maybe a boarding house of some sort. And I can't say what the era was either. It could have fit about any civilized era. I went up an outside set of metal stairs and through a wooden door and entered a hallway. It was just a plain building, nothing fancy. I knew the man came in behind me and in the back of my mind, I was also still aware of the other presence that was with me. I was still not affraid of the man. There was nothing to be affraid of. It was just me and him and the truth. There was no ego, there was no fear, there were no lies that anyone was trying to hide behind. Just our pure spirits. I felt no anger towards this man. I knew him. I loved him. He had something he wanted to tell me. He told me that he knew that what he had done was wrong and that it was a sickness in him that led him to do those things. A sickness and a broken soul that he had gained from his own childhood. He told me that he hated that he had done those things. He had always hated it. He never wanted to be that way. I knew there was no guile in what he was saying. There was no reason to lie, our spirits don't really lie anyway. He was speaking the truth. In a spirit kind of way, he spoke about a certain life changing event that had occurred in a hospital where the Heavens opened up and he felt the love of Heaven pouring upon him and he knew that despite the terrible things that he had done that there was still a place for him in Heaven. Kind of like a second chance or something. I knew this was true too. I could feel it. After presenting this to me and knowing that I understood what he was saying, he asked why with this knowledge,were me and Mandon still taking a stance. I said because it hasn't been fixed. He said, but I apologized. In the best way that I could, I told Mandon I was sorry. I knew he was genuine. I said maybe you did but an apology doesn't stop the the pain. In some sort of dreamlike way, I held up the pain before him that his actions had caused Mandon. Oh the pain in his eyes when he saw it. He hadn't realized or seen it before in its fullness. And I don't even know how much he was able to take in. Then just to throw out an alias name, I said and what about Micheal's pain? I held that up before him and the pain in his eyes was more than I can explain. I felt such a deep compassion for this man, but I didn't stop. I said and here is so and so's pain. I did this with a total of 5 people whome he had hurt. Each time it was more than he could bare. No matter how open his heart was, he could not bare the burden of that pain he had caused. I stopped at 5 because I could see that he absolutely could not bare it. He was fading in a sense, like his spirit was dying or something. I then saw a ledge and it fell off into I don't know what, some unknown vast hopelessness or something. This man started to move closer to it and I knew what he was going to do, but there was one more thing that I wanted to say. So I said it. I said the damage has been done. Having stopped it at that certain point in your life and then vaguely trying to apologize for it is not what is going to fix this generational curse. But I don't know if he was even hearing what I was saying at this point. He seemed detatched and focused merely on making it to that ledge. Then he stepped over the ledge and I hollered out that getting it out into the light is what is going to fix it. I doubted that he heard me, but I hoped he did, even though I knew there was little he could do about it. I stood there pondering what happened. Then all day I have been trying to make sense of what happened. I know it happened. I know he spoke the truth. I know it was too much for him to bare. I know that the deficit between him doing what he could to try to make it right and the huge amount of damage that had already been done is EXACTLY what the atonement is for. When Jesus Christ knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane, he took upon him that very deficit; the pain and sorrow of sin and spiritual illness. He is the one who can bare that pain. He is the one strong enough to carry it. And because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can be white as snow, if we will just have an open and willing heart to accept it. This applies to all of us no matter what sins we've committed. The purpose is for small sins, but even more so for the big sins. This man in my dream, I know that what he felt that day when the Heaven's opened up to him was true. Only he and the Lord know where his heart really was and where it is now and I know they will be able to work it out as long as there is a soft and willing heart.

I told the story about the wolves for a purpose. Before I knew about Mandon's hidden past of abuse, I knew his perpetrator, well perpetrators. I loved them all so much. Even when his past started to come out, I still loved them. However I knew Mandon was telling the truth. So it was crazy to me. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was like double vision. I saw them as the people I knew and loved with all their humanity and goodness and then I saw these terrible sick people that had done terrible sick things. I couldn't get the two to come together and work it out in my mind how they can be the same people. I know it has been a similar experience for Mandon. Its part of the craziness of the whole deal. But this story about the wolves, we really do all have a good and a bad wolf in us. Just because we have bad in us doesn't mean we don't have good in us too. I feel like I'm finally getting to the point where my double vision is clearing and I can see these people in one, the good and the bad.

I know there are alot of really good people held captive by sexual illness, hence spiritual illness. I have my own negative coping mechanisms that I gained in my childhood, that are hard to avoid when I am down. If I had grown up in a sexually abusive environment like some people do, whose to say that I wouldn't be the same way. I know that just because someone is sexually abused doesn't mean they grow up to be a perpetrator themselves, but I do believe that most perpetrators are perpetrators because they were broken when they were vulnerable children who couldn't defend themselves. I believed this man's spirit in my dream when he told me he hated those things about himself. He didn't want to be the person who did those things. In this life maybe his bad wolf had his good wolf pinned most of the time. But it's not over. That good wolf is not done fighting. The reinforcements are here. We already know whose ultimately going to win.