Shouted from the roof tops

There are certain kinds of secrets that should NOT remain secrets. A lot of people have a misconception that it is bad to air dirty laundry and use this as rationalization for keeping secrets that keep people sick. The best way to get better from emotional sickness is to get it out into the light where the Savior can heal. When these secrets stay hidden in the darkness, it is just feeding grounds to continue growing in sickness. Secrets are the best fertilization for emotional and spiritual demise. I learned today that the state of Utah has the highest rate of downloaded pornography. I love the gospel and I know of it's truth with all of my being, but there are some serious misconceptions in the culture of religion. I also learned that incestual families are more apt to be highly religous. Sexual abuse, sexual distortions and sexual addiction tears apart people's souls. My Grandma told me that sex is like a warm fire in the hearth on a cold night, but if it is not contained and cared for it becomes a raging fire that destroys souls and families for generations. The heart ache in our families lives has been severe. Our family has carried a HUGE HUGE burden that is not ours to carry. It's not a secret any of us want to keep. It only hurts to keep it. It does nothing good for anyone to keep it. It only enables the perpetrators and prolongs everyones pain. It is totally enabling to keep it. It is the advisary that loves skeletons in the closet. Well ha ha ha. I am a healer. When it affects me and my husband and my children, I really really enjoy skeleton hunting. I love love love to clean out closets!! I have been that way my whole life. I have been that way in my parents home in fact, my family has helped to nurture that quality in me. I am not a stuffer and I am not one to ignore the elephant in the living room. And it is not out of spite, it is out of love. It is a spiritual gift that I was sent here with. Some people in my life hate this about me. But you can guess those that do. It's the ones with skeletons in their closets. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it is right to get into other peoples business nor to air others dirty laundry that doesn't concern me. I have had some bad things happen in my life, but its amazing how when those things came out into the light and people took accountability and got better how much those devastating situations became stepping stones. But now that we are dealing with a secret that has broken the hearts of those that I care the very most about, one that no one wants to claim but only pawn off, that's when I find shouting from the roof tops quiet appropriate. We went to a spiritual healer, Dr. Fish, in Cedar City, Utah about 6 years ago seeking some healing. At that time we had no idea the magnitude of what we were seeking healing from. Dr. Fish told Mandon that he was suffering from a generational curse and that he had a split soul. We knew there was something wrong, but we really had no idea what that meant. He did not consciously remember any such thing. But something was just not right. He knew it and I knew it. It's was and still is like Mandon has multiple personalities, extreme moodiness, self sabotaging behavior, crazy borderline personality traits, severe addiction issues, sexual confusion, wow what a crazy rollar coaster ride it has been. Up and down. I know he is this amazing amazing person with this out of this world strength, but yet at other times he is like this little boy just looking for someone to love him and then other times, like this huge brat throwing the ultimate temper tantrum. Just to clarify, he reads through my blogs before I post them. We both know that he is not really a brat. It's just a symptom that comes out. He has been to psych units 3 times,  in counseling on and off almost the whole 9 years of our relationship, he's been suicidal. He has this self hatred that tormets him most of the time. It's like a a tornado tears through our home at random times. He has been diagnosed with bipolar with severe PTSD. Things trigger him all the time. I know that there is a factor of genetics that plays into some aspects of mental illness, but this is something a whole lot more. Most mental illnesses are actually unlocked by abuse. 95% of the patients at the state hospital are victims of abuse. 95%! And a whole heck of a lot more people are out there with a broken abused child inside of them that are putting on a good show to the rest of the world because they think that is what they are supposed to be doing. They don't know how to do it any differently and it seems too painful to come out into the light to heal. Slowly slowly things have started to come out. A little memory here, a little memory there. A puzzle piece here, a puzzle piece there. I love my family, ALL of my family. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my Savior. I love truth. The Savior is love, he is light, he is truth. Skeletons in the closet are none of things. The only way to cut those binding flaxin and cords is with love and light and truth. Ushering in the Savior, doesn't just mean standing there singing praises and waiting for him to heal our pain when the Heaven's open up. Ushering in the Savior for the second coming is happening NOW, we are ushering him in now by standing for truth, by cleaning out the skeletons. I came to this world to prepare to the second coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am here now to Usher him in. This is what the prophets mean when they say get to work. I love it and the fire in my soul burns too strong at times to deny it! All will be made right, all that is lost will be restored. Broken spirits are healing. Family curses are being broken. This is what the Spirit of Elija means to me. The hearts of the children being turned to the hearts of the fathers. With that said, I love clean closets and I love the roof top view.

Guardian Angels

One night several years ago, we were living with my Dad in his basement in Manti. Mandon and I were laying in bed talking. Jaden was sleeping out on the couch in the other room and little baby Oakley was sleeping in his crib next to us. We were just talking about the day, when a dark feeling started to enter the room. I tried to brush it off, but it got stronger and stronger. I asked Mandon if he felt that feeling and he said he did. We decided to say a prayer to ask for it to go away so we did. It only got stronger. We felt the feeling to go get Jaden and keep him near us and we also got Oakley and put him in bed with us. The feeling got stronger. It was so dark and powerful. The strongest feeling I can describe is fear. We said several more prayers. It just got stronger. It was undeniably the presence of a very powerful dark spirit. We could hardly speak. The darkness of this spirit was like nothing we had ever before experienced even in our lowest darkest points of life. It seemed to almost consume us. Mandon was on his knees praying and mid sentence Mandon yelled out, "By the power of the Holy Melchizedek priesthood and in the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave!" Slowly the presence and the dark feelings started to fade away. I felt such relief. But as the darkness was fading, an absolutely glorious presence started to fill the room. We could not speak. We just sat and wept. There were multitudes of angels there and they just kept coming. The love we felt was like nothing I had ever ever experienced before. I knew that these were spirits that know and love us immensely, that are with us often in life and that are doing work and fighting along with us on the other side.
I've often reflected on this experience and wondered what it means and why it happened. Last night Mandon and I were talking about it and other experiences and how they all relate. We were able to gain a little more inspiration into what it means. Satan knows Mandon well. Mandon has had 3 priesthood blessings that have said that he knew and loved Lucifer in the pre-existence. It was hard for him to choose when Lucifer fell because he loved him so much. Mandon has something very important to do in this life and Satan knows the power and ability that Mandon has. He wants our Mandon destroyed. He knows that as long as this family is intact, as long as I am in the way, he cannot destroy Mandon and so he tries his hardest to tear apart our family. He wants this family destroyed. But there is so much divine help and intervention from people both on this side of the veil and the other. There really is a huge battle going on and we have seen and know too much to deny it. We know we have been called. We know these things are true and we know that our Lord and Savior is coming in his full glory. He is coming. He is coming.

The battle

Well, I will just start with today. I told Mandon that I wanted to start this blog and he thought it was a really good idea. He gave me permission to talk about these things that have to do with him. The biggest thing right now is probably that Mandon is in the Johnson's unit. That is the psych unit at the hospital here in Eugene. This is the 4th time that Mandon has been on the psych unit. He has a few big things that he deals with. For one he is bipolar. After years of extreme ups and downs and seeing two completely different personalities, I think I am just starting to understand what bipolar is. Like our good neighbor and friend Brigham said, bipolar is like having a missing leg. It is not something that grows back. It doesn't just fix itself. With bipolar, you can't will it away, you can't pray it away. You can't get a lot of counseling and just get emotionally stronger to overcome it for good. It is not weak people that have bipolar. On the contrary I believe that it is really strong and amazing people that struggle with bipolar. And with having a missing leg, you can't walk very well if you don't have a prosthetic leg. I think I am finally realizing that Mandon CANNOT NOT be on medication. Another big thing that Mandon deals with is addiction. When he is cycling, especially when he is not adequately medicated, the addiction becomes more challenging to deal with. He uses it to self medicate. In turn the addiction completely feeds the bipolar and the chemicals released from acting out on his addiction totally messes up his brain chemistry and that is when things get really crazy. On top of that, I am a little crazy and codependent at times and don't always handle things in the best way.
Underlying these issues is the deeper issue of sexual abuse that Mandon experienced as a child. It has taken years for the memories to surface. Lots of spiritual healing and therapy has helped get it out. It has just been in the last couple of years that Mandon has been able to actually say that it happened. It is so weird the way the mind disassociates and separates those traumatic events from the conscious thought. But it is in no way quiet. It manifests itself one way or another.
At the Johnson's unit, they are focusing on getting Mandon stabilized on medication. Mandon has been on Lithium before and it seemed to work very well, but due to his heart issues no Dr. has allowed him to be on it. This psychiatrist feels like there is no threat to his heart as long as his levels are good. So he has started taking lithium. Mandon is already sounding better and more like his real self. On top of the medication there is lot of therapy there. Mandon calls me every day and tells me how things are going and what is going on. They talk a lot about the sexual abuse and how it is so connected to all of these things he is dealing with now. Mandon has about all of the typical signs and symptoms of an adult who has suffered childhood sexual abuse. It is totally crazy how deep the damage is. It affects all aspects of life from love, sex, intimacy, spirituality, confidence, productivity, parenting and the list goes on and on.
When Mandon is on his game, he is a spiritual powerhouse. I have no doubt that Mandon is here to do some very amazing and important things. But when he crashes, he crashes hard and low. On a spiritual level I think Satin works very very very hard to keep Mandon from accomplishing those things that he was sent here to accomplish. It is a hard battle that Mandon fights every day. Sometimes he looses some of the battles, but I think I know who is going to ultimately win this war.