The battle

Well, I will just start with today. I told Mandon that I wanted to start this blog and he thought it was a really good idea. He gave me permission to talk about these things that have to do with him. The biggest thing right now is probably that Mandon is in the Johnson's unit. That is the psych unit at the hospital here in Eugene. This is the 4th time that Mandon has been on the psych unit. He has a few big things that he deals with. For one he is bipolar. After years of extreme ups and downs and seeing two completely different personalities, I think I am just starting to understand what bipolar is. Like our good neighbor and friend Brigham said, bipolar is like having a missing leg. It is not something that grows back. It doesn't just fix itself. With bipolar, you can't will it away, you can't pray it away. You can't get a lot of counseling and just get emotionally stronger to overcome it for good. It is not weak people that have bipolar. On the contrary I believe that it is really strong and amazing people that struggle with bipolar. And with having a missing leg, you can't walk very well if you don't have a prosthetic leg. I think I am finally realizing that Mandon CANNOT NOT be on medication. Another big thing that Mandon deals with is addiction. When he is cycling, especially when he is not adequately medicated, the addiction becomes more challenging to deal with. He uses it to self medicate. In turn the addiction completely feeds the bipolar and the chemicals released from acting out on his addiction totally messes up his brain chemistry and that is when things get really crazy. On top of that, I am a little crazy and codependent at times and don't always handle things in the best way.
Underlying these issues is the deeper issue of sexual abuse that Mandon experienced as a child. It has taken years for the memories to surface. Lots of spiritual healing and therapy has helped get it out. It has just been in the last couple of years that Mandon has been able to actually say that it happened. It is so weird the way the mind disassociates and separates those traumatic events from the conscious thought. But it is in no way quiet. It manifests itself one way or another.
At the Johnson's unit, they are focusing on getting Mandon stabilized on medication. Mandon has been on Lithium before and it seemed to work very well, but due to his heart issues no Dr. has allowed him to be on it. This psychiatrist feels like there is no threat to his heart as long as his levels are good. So he has started taking lithium. Mandon is already sounding better and more like his real self. On top of the medication there is lot of therapy there. Mandon calls me every day and tells me how things are going and what is going on. They talk a lot about the sexual abuse and how it is so connected to all of these things he is dealing with now. Mandon has about all of the typical signs and symptoms of an adult who has suffered childhood sexual abuse. It is totally crazy how deep the damage is. It affects all aspects of life from love, sex, intimacy, spirituality, confidence, productivity, parenting and the list goes on and on.
When Mandon is on his game, he is a spiritual powerhouse. I have no doubt that Mandon is here to do some very amazing and important things. But when he crashes, he crashes hard and low. On a spiritual level I think Satin works very very very hard to keep Mandon from accomplishing those things that he was sent here to accomplish. It is a hard battle that Mandon fights every day. Sometimes he looses some of the battles, but I think I know who is going to ultimately win this war.